Meet the Knightwalkers
by Hikari no Sadame
Summary: In which you meet THE Knightwalkers and hope that you can make it out with all body parts attached.


Why were they the Knightwalkers in the first place? Aren't woman supposed to adopt the last names of their husbands?

Logically yes, Erza Knightwalker most definitely wears the pants in the relationship (although she doesn't even wear pants), or so you're lead to believe. Not that King Mystogan has a last name anyway.

You think it's weird but whatever because Erza fucking Knightwalker okay, she can do whatever the hell she wants.

You want to say something but whatever because Erza fucking Knightwalker okay, she's gonna cut your testicles off.

So you don't question their family name and you don't die.

YET.

You're kinda nervous and stuff when you try to walk all nonchalant into her house but DAMN her house doesn't even count as a house, really it's like the Royal fucking Palace here- oh wait, that's because it actually is.

And that's when it hits you, and it hits you hard.

You're dating a Princess. Not a self absorbed cheerleader that has a greater-than-thou complex, but an ACTUAL princess. As in, piss me off and I'll have my daddy order your execution.

And you think to yourself, you sorta like your life and you kinda sorta don't really want to be decapitated. Sure, your face is pretty nice, if you might say so yourself, and your hair- now that's where it's at. But the ladies probably wouldn't flock around you if you don't have a head.

So you decide to step up your game and open the door for your princess. And the King of Edolas himself sees you and smiles.

Damn right you're a hot shot, opening doors for ladies, you. You hope you get brownie points for that and have a cheeky grin on your face. Asserting your dominance is the way to go.

Except Mystogan doesn't.

SHIT did you do the wrong thing!? Were you supposed to have your girlfriend open the door because by opening the door for her, you are indirectly undermining her capability as a woman and questioning her abilities as an independent individual?

"Hello."

He greets you- THE FUCKING KING OF EDOLAS JUST SAID HELLO TO YOU WHAT DO YOU SAY.

What to call him, you wonder, seconds away from wetting yourself because a simple "daddy..." could separate your crotch from the rest of your being.

Your Highness? Too formal.

King? Nah.

Mr. Knightwalker? Now that's just downright insulting.

Sir? Why would you call him sir, he's a King, seriously come on.

Father? That'll get you killed.

Mysty? How about, no.

He's waiting for your reply and you're practically shitting bricks, anticipating your impending doom and saying goodbye to your short-lasting life.

"Hi.", is the best you manage to come up with.

Really?

Hi?

You're starting to doubt coming out of this monstrosity of a house alive.

"Your Highness...sir.", you try to amend.

And then you realize that "Hi, your Highness, sir" is just about the dumbest thing you could possibly say to your girlfriend's dad- the King of Edolas, and are mentally preparing yourself for death.

Psh, who needs life anyway.

YOU.

YOU NEED LIFE.

So you desperately turn around and contemplate whether or not you should dash toward the exit and make a run for it, but decide that HE has already seen your face and can thus kill you any time HE pleases.

God help you.

"Jellal."

You hear a resonant voice from across the room ring in your ears.

Did you say God? Well, you meant Goddess.

And there she is.

Erza Knightwalker.

THE Erza Knightwalker.

The "Fairy Hunter", the taker of countless lives, the knight, the soldier, the scariest woman you'll probably ever meet (you later find out that your girlfriend takes after her mother's temper).

Standing right before you with that nice ass and large rack- dear god you better hope neither of them heard you WAIT WHY IS HE STARING AT YOU LIKE THAT CAN HE READ YOUR MIND HAS YOUR TIME FINALLY COME.

No.

Not yet?

"Why so serious?" she asks her husband THE KING, and he responds with a low chuckle and an arm encircling her waist- as if it weren't the waist of a lady who killed THOUSANDS of people.

Is it too late to escape?

You inadvertently make another quick glance at the door and OH MY GOD SHE SAW, SHE SAW, YOU'RE REALLY DEAD NOW.

Except, no, because the Knightwalkers are crazy ass sadists that adore torture so you'll be staying through dinner, of course.

Erza Knightwalker walks you to the dinner table and you pray to every lord out there that your head is not the appetizer.

Oh hey, fried calamari.

Eyes on the dish, you pull out a chair for your girl and wonder if your body parts are still up for the main course because fuck, Erza Knightwalker's probably a feminist and who the hell knows what feminists think. What if feminists want to pull out their own chairs WHAT IF YOU JUST KILLED YOUR CHANCES OF LIVING THROUGH DESSERT.

But no one says a thing and Erza Knightwalker seems pretty content with the food on the table so maybe they won't be serving your head on a silver platter after all.

"Who made this? It looks great."

You comment sheepishly and mentally scold yourself for sounding as scared shitless as you really feel.

"I did.", the King of goddamn Edolas responds (you still can't get over it).

You're slightly glad- okay, relieved, that Erza wasn't the one who made it because seriously you don't want her blood stained fingers handling your vegetables.

Silence ensues while you awkwardly eat the appetizer, inwardly still hoping that you're not the entrée.

All of a sudden Erza Knightwalker starts talking and you're wracking your brain for what cool, badass, last words you can say.

"Our family's a bit dysfunctional. Hopefully you won't bring any more dysfunction in."

She smirks. Her eyes have a sardonic glint to them.

Did she just. She just made a penis joke didn't she.

No, you tell yourself. She's Erza Knightwalker- an esteemed general of the Royal Army and currently, the reigning Queen of Edolas. There was no way someone as legendary as she made a joke about your goods. No way.

You take a sip- okay, a gulp, of water in an attempt to drown down the awkward thoughts.

"So, how big?"

And the water finds its way out of your mouth and down your chin. You wipe it off vehemently and set the glass back down onto the table, hoping that your hearing is failing you.

"Wh-What?", you stuttered. Damn, should've gone to that seminar after school on "How to Meet Your Girlfriend's Insanely Hot but Penis-Joke-Cracking Mom". Oh wait, they didn't give those. Quite honestly, you're the only one dating a girl belonging to Edolas' strangest family ever. What, with a King for a dad and a mom that cuts dessert with a 7 foot spear. What's she got against knives anyway?

"Cake. How big do you want your slice of cake?" She chuckles, and you're almost sure that this is intentional because really how can SIZE and FUNCTIONALITY come up in a normal dinner conversation, seriously.

"Large enough." you answer, because hey, two can play at this game and yeah maybe your answer wasn't really applicable to the question at hand but at least you'll come off as observant and witty...right?

Wrong.

You're wrong.

Terribly mistaken.

God, you should've known! You're always wrong when it comes to the female population.

Why? Because you just challenged the feistiest woman in Edolas. And Erza Knightwalker never backs down from challenges, as you will soon learn.

She hands you your slice of cake. Well. It wasn't really a slice, it was probably closer to a crumb.

Ouch.

"Large enough? Or was I being too generous. If it's TOO BIG for you, just tell me, I'll GLADLY REMOVE some of it."

Oh my god.

You're actually peeing yourself right now. Might as well use your family heirloom before your girlfriend's mom chops it all off.

But wait.

There's no entrée?

What messed up family has an appetizer immediately followed by dessert!

Unless.

You ARE the entrée.

They just served you some food to fatten you up so that when they ROASTED your ass, you'd be nice and plump. Sickos.

Erza stands up and you accidently flinch.

Oops.

She saunters over to the kitchen and you're scared that she's gonna throw a human toaster on you. But no, she comes out with nice china and a cover thingy that's name slips your extremely worried mind.

And she uncovers the cover thingy.

"I saved the best for last", or so she says but you're silently hoping that she didn't cook your cat or your mom or something.

For the first time this dinner you see that smug look on King Mystogan's face and now you're REALLY scared of seeing your sister on that platter.

"You're in for a nice surprise"

God you can't even get anymore scared than you already are so to hell with it, you clench your fists and wait to embrace your death.

And...

Octopus...

_Balls?_

"We're having octopus BALLS tonight. Shall I CUT them up for YOU?"

Embrace it.

Embrace it.

_-You've met the Knightwalkers-_

_**A/N: I'm sure most of you oldies on here have read Luka's "Meet the Fernandes'" and I was prompted by Wolfy to write a Mystwalker version for her since she's working so hard on keeping the fandom alive. Come on guys, so many updates in so little time. She's writing her ass off and man sooo gooood she's awesome.**_

_**This is for you, Wolfy! We/I really do appreciate your fics and they def. deserve more love than they're getting. I hope this slightly entertained you hahaa.**_

_**Review please, people ;)**_


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